I've made a promise to myself that from today I am going to keep a diary. Seeing as no one reads my blog I'm pretty sure I'm safe in posting this here. This is the first entry of my diary. This is who I am. I am posting this here because for my own sanity. Yes that might sound a tad strange but I am going through a form of self therapy, to help myself become a stronger and better person. To leave this diary entry here is to admit to myself and others who I really am.
5th December 2010
I haven't written a diary since I was about 6 or 7 years old.
I decided it was about time I tried again. I believe I have gotten to the age where I need to write down my thoughts and experiences, lest I forget 'the best years of my life'.
I've been thinking a lot lately. About my life. About where it is going. About the men that have come and gone. B.Y, T.W, C.C, N.G, S.C, S.F, N.H, M.P, L.R, L.M, A.R... Too many men in my opinion. If I could turn back time I would've kept my virginity intact and waited for someone special other than the first person who ever found me attractive.
I may be being harsh on myself, but I am, in esscence, a whore. Although I'm not one who exchanges carnal pleasures for money or shiny, pretty objects I do exchange the use of my body for affection. To feel loved. To actually have someone tell me I am beautiful. To have someone to hold me and make me feel safe.
Disgusting isn't it.
I am an affection whore.
And now? Now there is no one. So slowly I'm withering. I am becoming weak, low, lonely.
I'm good at wallowing in self pity too. I wish I wasn't.
I never used to be like this you know. I'm pretty certain I was a contented child that always had a smile on her face. But now all innocence is lost. How I wish I could get the tiniest fragment of that innocence back, just to be able to look at the world with eyes that aren't damaged by the horrible things around us. That would be bliss.
And what of love? I have been in love. I'm not sure if I still am in love but I know what it feels like. Love can be pure and wonderful and give you that warm fuzzy feeling, but for me love is a heart stopping, gut wrenching, mostly heartbreaking thing. Love hurts. I long for someone that loves me as much as I love them, but unfortunatly I have only ever known one sided love.
For now I shall remain single. If I'm lucky enough for someone to come along and fall hopelessly in love with me then so be it, but I will not settle for less than that anymore.
Goodbye short meaningless relationships.
Hello long lasting relationships.
I hope anyway.